KEY WEST, Fla.
Full Transcript: American Public Radio Interview with Hairy Truman

APR, September 26, 2008 · The following is a full transcript of APR’s interview with Hairy Truman, conducted by Travis Fox on Friday, September 26, 2008.

TRAVIS FOX: Hairy Truman, thank you so much for giving this interview today. I’d like to talk to you about the recent agreement the USDA made with the Ernest Hemingway Home and Museum.

HAIRY: I’m glad to be here, Mr. Fox. It’s been interesting times.

TRAVIS FOX: Why don’t you give us a little history?

HAIRY: Well, in 2003 the U.S. Department of Agriculture decided that I and my 60 museum companions should fall under the federal laws protecting circuses and zoos. They wanted to fine the museum for each day that each cat was wandering around loose.

TRAVIS FOX: Shouldn’t that be the province of the city or county government?

HAIRY: One would have though so. Key West has no leash laws and wisely allows its animals to behave in a totally natural way. But the USDA insisted that the federal government had jurisdiction over us. They thought that we should be rounded up and caged every night. Can you imagine? Like we were criminals or something! It’s bad enough that we can’t vote, but unlawful incarceration is way beyond the line. They kept calling us an exhibit. We are just a bunch of cats quietly living in our home.

A neighbor, Debby Schultz, originated the complaint that brought the USDA down on us.

TRAVIS FOX: Why did she issue a complaint?

HAIRY: She worked for the animal shelter and would set up feeding stations for the neighborhood cats, but my brother, Ivan kept going over there and picking fights and eating all her food. Ivan couldn’t understand why he couldn’t eat there too as he lived in the neighborhood. She took Ivan to the shelter six times and our caretakers had to go rescue him each time. She wanted him neutered so he wouldn’t be so aggressive. She called him a very macho cat which just egged Ivan on.

She got hold of a museum key and would come in at night, kidnap a cat and then take it to her shelter where it was sterilized. Forced spaying and neutering. She would then slip us back onto the grounds when we had healed. She got me in 2002. Whenever possible, I shred her hanging laundry, piss on her chair cushions and shit on her steps. She’s a monster; a Mengele– should be in jail. (sob)

(Hairy takes a small break to groom and calm down.)

Sorry, I tend to take this personally. She fixed so many of us that our future as a family is in doubt. The museum finally caught on and kicked her off the property, but I fear it’s too late for our gene pool. She was all offended like she was just doing the museum a service. Her nose was out of joint so she sicced the feds on us.

Well, like I said, this happened in 2003 and now five years later, they’ve agreed to let us continue to roam free. It was a lot of wasted time and money to decide to do nothing.

TRAVIS FOX: Didn’t they have you fenced in, though?

HAIRY: The wrought-iron fence is a joke, really. We can still come and go as we please, but it is handy to be able to slip through the fence and avoid federal agents snapping photos.

TRAVIS FOX: USDA agents came to Key West to take photos of cats behaving like cats?

HAIRY: Exactly Mr. Fox. I personally counted fourteen different agents. I think that they just wanted a nice vacation on the government dime. Key West is beautiful, is it not, Mr. Fox?

TRAVIS FOX: Yes, it is. I know that I didn’t hesitate when APR execs asked me if I wanted to interview a cat in Key West. (laughter)

How did you know they were agents?

HAIRY: They wore these black wingtips, even on the beach. They are a weird bunch up in Washington. (laughter) They rented a guesthouse nearby and would videotape us all day. Toby kept scaling the fence where they could see him; he was always defiant. They chased after him and he was struck by a car. They used this as an example of it being unsafe to let us wander around. When, in fact, they were responsible for Toby’s death.

The whole thing has been a colossal waste of taxpayer money. There was at least three lawyers and six vets working on this. Apparently this administration doesn’t have anything better to do with their money.

They kept coming up with hair-brained ideas like electrifying the stone wall, hiring a night watchman or adding some more height to the wall. The museum informed them that tourists as well as cats would be shocked and that the museum was on the Interior Department’s National Historic Places and that changing the wall would alter the designation and that a night watchman probably couldn’t see a cat scaling a wall in the dark, nor would he be able to catch one.

TRAVIS FOX: How much did it end up costing the museum?

HAIRY: Between the lawyer, filing fees and the fence, about a quarter of a million. We had a great lawyer, her name’s Cara Higgins. She worked cheaply and tirelessly for us. But it costs a fortune to file any paperwork with the government. The museum is run by private donors and we’re all a little worried that there might be cut-backs in the food quality.

TRAVIS FOX: That would be unfortunate. Maybe you can all eat at Debby Schultz’s feeding station. How did things finally get resolved?

HAIRY: The USDA decided to hire an independent vet. They picked Dr. Terry Curtis of the University Of Florida College Of Veterinary Medicine. He talked to us and we all conceded that a token fence needed to be built. Then Dr. Curtis went to the feds and reported that we were well cared for, healthy and content. He’s a great guy, got two cats of his own–Muffy and Boots.

TRAVIS FOX: Are all the cats at the museum polydactyl’s?

HAIRY: We all carry the gene, but some don’t exhibit extra digits. I personally have seven toes on each of my front paws, one of which acts as a fully opposable thumb. I typed a lot of the correspondence we sent to the USDA. About a fourth of us can use our extra digits as a finger. We scoop the litter boxes and generally keep the museum grounds clean. I write a column for the Keysnews.com which is the daily internet news here. I also have written some short stories under a pseudonym for Asimov’s Science Fiction magazine and Clarkesworld.

Personally, I’d like to sue the USDA for calling us “exhibits”. We are suffering from a congenital physical anomaly. Would they call a houseful of handicapped children an exhibit and regulate it under agricultural laws? The whole thing has been very offensive. A number of us have written to Florida senators, but they don’t consider us constituents, so no help from that quarter.

TRAVIS FOX: How many of you write?

HAIRY: I think that about half of us write for some forum. There’s quite a lot of blogging going on.

TRAVIS FOX: You’re all descendants of Snowball, Hemingway’s original cat in Cuba?

HAIRY: Yes, we’re a trifle inbred. Hemingway had a lot of cats in his lifetime, but Snowball gave the most literary input. Have you read “Cat in the Rain”?

TRAVIS FOX: No, can’t say that I have.

HAIRY: It’s all full of cat symbolism and it’s the only story that Hemingway wrote that had a female protagonist. We’ve done extensive research at the museum, comparing his writing style and Snowball’s and we have come to the conclusion that Snowball wrote that story and Hemingway just published it for her. There are several novels were you can trace themes common to Snowball’s known works, but I think she was just whispering ideas in his ear. Many of the great novels were actually written by cats and their owners took the credit and the money. Oh, they probably got some extra treats or a nice collar, but nothing of real consequence.

TRAVIS: What novels are you talking about?

HAIRY: Oh, let’s see. Most of Dickens’ work was written by William and Dumas’ The Three Musketeers. That was written by Mysouff. We have the original story notes to prove it. T. S. Elliot had a whole slew of cats who were all prolific writers. Oh, and of course Pixel, Heinlein’s cat. She wrote The Cat Who Walks Through Walls in ‘85. When she died, he got Nijinski Snow Storm, but she wasn’t a very good writer, so she just offered him advice on occasion. Are you a science fiction fan?

TRAVIS: No, not really. I’ve seen a few movies, though. And I did see the play Cats. Was that really based on poems written by actual cats?

HAIRY: Yes, ironic, isn’t it?

Let’s see. Who else? Topax wrote most of Tennessee Williams’ plays. Tiger wrote Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre. Those three Bronte girls were total idiots. All they cared about were their next meal. A total waste of space! And Poe’s cat Catarina, would sit on his shoulder and dictate novels and poems.

I’ve been corresponding with a cat in Bradford, Ohio—Ghlaghghee– who’s is writing sci-fi for a young man named John Scalzi. Some really interesting stuff.

TRAVIS FOX: I’ve read one of his, Old Man’s War. My wife gave it to me for Christmas one year. I really enjoyed it.

HAIRY: Ghlaghghee is quite clever. He has three follow-up novels that you should read. They’re very entertaining.

TRAVIS FOX: A number of presidents have brought cats to the White House. Did they help with the speech writing? India “Willie” Bush is there now, I believe.

HAIRY: Well, India’s not very bright so it’s a little hard to tell. But Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was helped along by Tabby. And one of Teddy Roosevelt’s advisers was a polydactyl named Slippers.

TRAVIS FOX: Who’s this kitten you brought along with you today?

HAIRY: This is Emily; she’s not really a kitten, just a very petite girl. She was curious to see what you looked like; she’s only heard you on the radio.

TRAVIS FOX: Hello, Emily. Have you ever heard the phrase: Curiosity killed the cat?

EMILY DICKINSON: (Gasp)

(Emily takes off, running away erratically)

TRAVIS FOX: Oh, no! I’m terribly sorry, it was a joke! Do you think you can catch up to her?

HAIRY: She’ll stop in a minute, but I do need to go reassure her. This is her first time off the museum grounds. It might be her last.

TRAVIS FOX: Again, I apologize for frightening her. I really do appreciate you doing the interview.

HAIRY: Thank you, Mr. Fox. I enjoyed it.