Barack Obama was elected only days ago and he’s already getting top security briefings to help guard us from this crazy and dangerous world.  Luckily for all, I was able to get my hands on a very interesting piece yesterday.  Don’t ask me how.  Let’s just say that I have somebody on the inside.  The janitor.

Whoops…I…uh…wasn’t supposed to tell you that.  Roberto, if you are reading this, you had better call in sick today, buddy, because I have a feeling that you are going to be scrubbing floors in Gitmo, pal.  My bad.

Anyway, like I was saying, I was able to procure this security advisory geared towards getting President-elect Barack Obama, up to speed on some of the most grave security issues in years past that the Secret Service was able to conceal from the news-media.

Not anymore though.  Everything has changed.  In the spirit of this change, I’m going to urge soon-to-be President Obama to be a little more transparent than certain OTHER administrations.  You know who I’m talking about…(Eorge-Gay Ush-Bay).  (Don’t worry, he didn’t hear you, he doesn’t know pig-latin.)

The accounts in this report appear to be true, however ludicrous they may seem.  What’s odd about them is that they all took place in the 1990s.  And even though the 1990s were stellar in just about every governmental category, it was also the height of governmental mistrust.  Especially on the Federal level.  Maybe the cover-ups of these events give credence to that paranoia?  You’ll have to judge for yourself.

Okay, it’s also important to point out that I may have lost the “actual” report.  So although I don’t have hard “evidence” that any of these stories are true, you have my word that I did not make any of this up myself.

1993 - Washington, D.C. - USA

Local businessman was used to help cover-up an affair of President William Harrison Mitchell with a White House Staffer.  The businessman, Dave, closely resembled the President and impersonated him on the behest of the real President’s Chief of Staff.  When President Mitchell became comatose from a stroke, Dave was put in the place of the Commander-in-Chief in order to achieve the objectives of the Chief of Staff.

The Presidential Impersonator known only as “Dave.” Courtesy Warner Bros.

The Vice President as well as the First Lady were not let in on the development of the “puppet President.”  Luckily for the country, Dave, posing as the President, did a superb job of foiling the wicked plans of the Chief of Staff and handed over the Presidency to the virtuous, and once disrenfranchised Vice President.  President Mitchell eventually succumbed to his illness and the transfer of power was made to look legit.

Why was this covered up?  Obviously there would be some serious trouble to be had by some people.  But also, there was a huge oversight by the Secret Service.  What was that oversight?  How about there being a person walking around Washington D.C. who was genetically identical to the President of the United States?  I’m sure some heads would have rolled over that one.

My advice to President Obama:  Be certain that there are no clones of you walking around the planet.  This is especially so if they are under the thumb of some really, really awful person.

1996 - Worldwide

Extraterrestrials were able to simultaneously mobilize over every major city in the world.  At first, the aliens appeared to be friendly and interested in peace.  This supported the assumption of certain members of the intellectual elite who based it on the rationale that advanced civilizations were peaceful.  We couldn’t have been more wrong.  The aliens played this wicked game of setting up meetings under the guise of peace and then systematically killing everyone in the room with them.  After this, they would play the “poor communication” card, set up another meeting of peace to negotiate a treaty, and then kill everyone in that meeting as well.

The late President James Dale in his unsuccessful negotiations with the Martian ambassador. Courtesy Warner Bros.

It only cost us Congress and the National Assembly of France before we figured it out.  President James Dale called the loss a wash, cut his losses, and decided to take a firmer approach with the aliens.  After they completely compromised our armed forces, they were able to infiltrate the most secure government facilities and cripple our entire infrastructure.  We lost our second President that decade after the alien leader killed him with a death-ray.

Only the quick-thinking of a poor young man was able to save us from the threat.  The young man accidentally witnessed his grandmother’s old, annoying music explode the brains of any invader within earshot.  Soon, all of the aliens were dead, all evidence of them discarded, and life went on without any of us being the wiser.

Why was this covered up?  The entire government was destroyed and we were without democracy for the first time in this country’s history.  FEMA used all of its resources to pull us together in no time, but have yet to restock and have not been able to help any disaster victims since.

My advice to President Obama:  Don’t meet aliens without some serious pre-conditions.  Always keep a stock of ridiculous items.  What’s harmless to us could be deadly to aliens.

1996 - Worldwide

Unknown if this related to the same attack that occurred earlier in the year, but there was another worldwide invasion from alien forces.  Again, the aliens were able to simultaneously mobilize, undetected, over every major city in the world.  It wasn’t clear right away that they intended to do harm, but a hippy satellite repair man was able to warn President Thomas J Whitmore (a hero pilot in the last invasion) in time.  Several cities incurred massive, yet at the same time, completely undetectable damage.

President Thomas J. Whitmore. Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox.

The White House was secretly exploded and the President was evacuated to a hidden military base.  President Whitmore was finally made aware that the government had prior knowledge of the alien civilization.  (He was evidently told on his heroic flying missions that he was merely safe-keeping a no-fly zone for the U.N.)  After some brainstorming and failed military strategies, the hippy repairman scientist, David Levinson, devised a plan to implant a computer virus that was coincidentally perfectly compatible with their more sophisticated and presumably encoded military system language.  The plan worked perfectly and the world was saved without even knowing it despite an enormous and unified effort.

Why was this covered up?  Most likely to cover up the devastating invasion the month or two before.  Also, the nation would have been furious to know of hidden military bases performing top-secret military related stuff.

My advice to President Obama: Keep some hippy hackers nearby.  They’ll save the world from an alien invasion. In the meantime, they’ll simply help you bypass the White Houses firewalls so that you can look at some Grade A porn while Michelle is away.

1998 - Unknown Antarctic Location

After an ancient xeno-biological virus was unearthed in a remote Texas suburb, the government tried to cover their tracks by covertly blowing up the biggest office building in downtown Dallas.  A skeptical and paranoid Special Agent with the FBI didn’t believe the official story and did his own investigating.  His investigation brought him closer and closer to the truth, but every lead turned sour for him.

This dude kept showing up every time we were close to finding more evidence to support our wild claims. Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox.

Soon, he was able to track down the xeno-biological weapon to a facility that manufactured bees intended as a means of distribution for the virus.  This facility, the agent found, was not run by the government, but by an international consortium of super-villains.  When the agent’s partner was injected with the virus, the agent was led to her captors in an unknown Antarctic region (after narrowly escaping a non-lethal bullet to the head).  This is where he found out that the virus was intended to turn humans into hosts for an alien species bent on world domination.  The alien species was served and protected by the evil rich circle-jerkers.

The agent as his partner escaped and the aliens left shortly after.  They were annoyed that their efforts didn’t go as planned.  The government covered the whole thing up and the two agents were reassigned.

Why was this covered up?  The government was more than embarrassed that while they were busy covering up the two, hugely destructive secret alien battles, there was another alien species hiding on Earth the whole time.  In addition, most of the one’s responsible for the near annihilation of the human species on Earth by protecting knowledge of the secret alien civilization hiding in the snow were all former Skull and Bones members.

My advice to President Obama: Seriously dude, do some research on potential alien threats.  I know the economy is bad now and that you are concerned for health care for the poor and the sick.  It’s all very admirable, but please, please keep your eye in the sky.  Slip some extra money to NASA if at all possible so that they can scrutinize space just a little more.

Conclusion

President Obama will face many challenges after his inaguration, however there may be some unforseen crises in the future.  He should take pains to learn all he can on the REAL threats to our nation’s and, indeed, our world’s security.  Don’t repeat the mistakes of these disastrous administrations.  Be diplomatic, but cautious, safe-keeping, but not conspiratorial, and always keep smart, if but a little off-putting, people around you at all times.  I know that for a while your political party members will have control of the most powerful institutions in the country, but resist the urge to do as they say.  Different points of view are like permutations of the genetic code - they can be useful or even crucial at times.  Don’t disregard them!

Oh, yeah, and just one more small thing to remember.  You have the power to pardon people for crimes, such as, for instance, say…the theft of top-secret government security reports.  How about a shout out to my buddy Roberto, huh?  Thanks.