When I say “Bucket List” I’m not talking about the sappy movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.  I’ve never actually seen it as it does not appeal to me at all.  It seems remarkably superficial; it’s probably one of those feel-good movies that purports to have something to say but actually doesn’t (Tuesdays With Morrie, guilty as charged).  Or, if it does have something to say, it’s something that could be better stated on a 99 cent greeting card.

Walking stoically away from a huge explosion is definitely something to do before you die. Image Courtesy Columbia Pictures

No, what I’m actually talking about is a real bucket list.  Not the conventional, happy, happy bucket lists from someone who wished they would have “let loose for once,” or “learn how to paint.”  No, I’m talking about a real, bona-fide movie wishlist.  A set of the most awesome-est movie cliches or conventions all wrapped-up in the ultimate fan “to-do” list.

If you were a dream-master, and you could control your destiny with pinpoint precision, what would you do?  I’ll put some more parameters on this: you have to perform as an action movie hero in all his glory.  Don’t know? Then take a look at my super-extreme-badass-action-movie-hero bucket list to get some ideas.

1. Triumphantly emerge from an explosion completely uninjured to the delight of your friends and/or family.

I really can’t think of any better way of kicking off a bucket list than by defying the senses of your closes compatriots.  Remember in The Last Crusade when Indy had dropped off the cliff in the Mid-East while battling a bad Nazi dude on top of a tank?  Then, the tank fell down hundreds of feet to the rocky floor only to explode into a hot inferno?

Marcus, Sallah, and Dr. Jones Sr. were all struck with tragedy at that horrifying moment.  Their adventerous Indiana had been finally done-in!  No way!  No way indeed because when they were still dumbfounded at the devastating scene, Indiana Jones was slowly pulling himself up onto the dusty plateau, exhausted at the supernatural feat he had just completed.  Yeah, I wanna do that.

2. Surviving, unscathed, a long, wicked fall or series of falls.

He looks over the edge of an impossibly tall building.  He looks across the street where the man in a black trenchcoat had just landed on a “nearby” roof.

“Whoa.”

He takes a few steps back, claps his hands and rubs them together to properly psyche himself up.  He runs, unsure of himself, towards the edge. Then, he leaps.  It’s a long and tall jump that…just…seems…to…slow…way….down, and then…stops.  He falls.  He falls quickly past so many office building floors as he screams helplessly the entire time, flailing his arms and legs.  Bam! He hits the pavement, but he is absorbed into it and thrown back upward like a spring.  The hapless man lands hard on the pavement again, but he’s alive.  And a little embarrassed.

We can also go back to our good old friend, Dr. Jones, to give us a good example of this one too.  In The Temple of Doom, Indiana and new lady-friend lounge singer, Willie, narrowly escape crazy gunfire by jumping out of a ten-story window.  Luckily, a series of fabric awnings break their fall, and good ol’ Short Round is there to pick them up at the bottom.

3. Own a badass piece of custom hardware that is as much a part of your identity as your very own face.

There are some movies and heros that we easily identify through action.  But how many of those can we identify through their weaponry?  The short answer: a lot.  Here’s a list.

Indiana Jones from Raiders of the Lost Ark - His brown fedora may set him apart from other adventure heroes, but it is his leather bullwhip that really distinguishes him.

John Rambo from First Blood - If you were a male child of the 1980s, then you had some plastic imitation of the famous Rambo knife.  If you had parents who could afford it, you had the knife complete with compass on the endcap that hid the secret match-keeping compartment inside the handle.

Batman from Batman Begins - How do you make an ordinary man into a legend of the dark?  Make him fly with a gas-powered, high strength grappling gun.  Criminals will believe you can fly!

Blade from Blade- Some say that in order to properly kill off a vampire, one needs a pointed wooden stake and a mallet.  Those would be wrong.  In the 21st century, one only requires a kick-ass katana.  The best part is, that if someone other than Blade handles it, they lose their hand.

4. Fight to the death for the entertainment of a rich, sadistic villain.

I can’t remember that Jean Claude Van Damme movie where he had to fight to the death because of the economic prospects of his abilities.  Which one was that?  Oh yeah…all of them.  Lionheart, Bloodsport, and Hard Target from just the top of my head.

A really, really great one that was actually a fairly recent release is Luc Besson’s Unleashed.  Or, as known in the UK I believe, Danny the Dog, starring Jet Li, Bob Hoskins, and Morgan Freeman.  Spectacular acting in this action movie with a surprisingly touching story.

5. Give a brief biography of who I am before I kick someone’s ass.

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

We all know that one from Ridley Scott’s Gladiator.  But do you know this one?

I’m Hub McCann. I’ve fought in two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I’ve seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I’ve won and lost a dozen fortunes, killed many men and loved only one woman with a passion a flea like you could never begin to understand. That’s who I am. Now, go home, boy!

That is Robert Duvall as Hub McCann in Tim McCanlies’ underrated flick Secondhand Lions just before kicking a young punk’s head in.

I like number five on the list so much because there’s just some elemental need for a man to make a name for himself.  We can trace this back all the way to ancient Greece when Odysseus taunted the poor defeated Cyclops Polyphemus:

Cyclops, if any one asks you who it was that put your eye out and spoiled your beauty, say it was the valiant warrior Ulysses, son of Laertes, who lives in Ithaca.

Don’t forget that all of Odysseus’ men still alive on the boat were all urging him to stay quiet because Polyphemus was hurling huge boulders at them.  Does it get any better than this?!

There are many left on my bucket list that I fear I just won’t be able to get to in time.  I want to do super-battle so intense that it leaves a giant city in shambles, but there are no injuries.  I want to get beaten down in the most important fight in my life just to come back at the very end, against all odds, and win convincingly.  I want to withold a key piece of information from my enemy just to reveal it at the most oppurtune moment.  I want to do all of these things and more before I die.  How about you?