I actually prefer to say “these are the five Christmas movies that should die, and these are the ones that should replace their time-slots on TV.” This is a selection guide to help you decide what to watch in between opening presents, shuffling between families, and stuffing your face. These are the movies I most often see on television around this time of year. I’ll tell you which ones to avoid, and which ones to keep on throughout the festivities.
Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Courtesy 20th Century Fox.
The 5 Christmas Movies that Should Whither Away
The sub-heading says it all. Here are the five Christmas movies that you should avoid at all costs.
There’s only room for one and Holiday Inn already made the cut. White Christmas has got to go. Why? Some movies just get old and outdated. It’s okay, they were good in their time and the time in between, but just not anymore. Nostalgia just isn’t a good enough reason anymore. No one would argue with me if I said that Bananarama was out-dated, right? It just happens sometimes. And in this case, this film no longer serves any real purpose. Except in it’s capacity to significantly aid in the traditional Christmas Day nap-time. But I think it’d rather remain on the shelf than be thought of as an Ambien alternative.
Family comedies as a rule make me sick. Unless done as farce as in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. When family comedies are done merely to showcase an ecletic ensemble cast, ahem, then they are especially worthless.
Individually, I like most of the actors in the film, save for Sarah Jessica Parker, who just hasn’t been in anything I actually liked, and Diane Keaton who has a storied career of movies I actually hate. (Godfather I and II excluded, of course). But put them together and you get the kind of Ben-Stiller-humiliation-comedy-cringing without any of the laughs.
This is a relatively new movie, I know, and hasn’t seen substantial air-time, but I just want to nip this thing in the bud before it gets out of control. And let me say that just because I haven’t actually seen it, doesn’t mean I can’t tell people not to watch it. I have already pointed out that it is okay for me to pre-judge a movie anyways.
Collateral Damage is a bad enough thing to have as a final movie memory of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Throw in Jingle All the Way and it almost becomes too much. Even though End of Days and The 6th Day came after this thing called a “comedy” and didn’t do all that well at the box office, they are still solid efforts and good enough flicks to watch over and over again, if even caught in pieces between projects at home.
But everytime I catch a glimpse of Jingle All the Way while flipping through channels, I have to go into a cleansing ritual of back to back to back Predator, Total Recall and The Running Man in order to make the world right again. Why Arnie, why?
Hooray! Let’s celebrate the movie that almost single-handedly destroyed a person and his real-life family. Not that the Culkins wouldn’t have done it to themselves anyway, I’m almost certain they would have, but why celebrate the straw that broke the camel’s back? Besides, the cutesy bits that make this one adorable has well worn through. This is a one, or maybe, only maybe, a two view flick. This is not a perennial picture. Leave this one off the Netflix queue and move on.
Surely there’ s a limit to the number of times one piece of material can be played. For crying out loud, let this one die. It is the worst over-played movie of all time. Some stations even have the nerve to play it on a loop that is what I can only imagine closely resembles the deepest, darkest bowels of hell. We all know what happens. Ha ha ha…day dreaming…ha ha ha…bunny suit…ha ha ha…soap in the mouth…ha ha ha…BB gun…ha ha ha…SOMEBODY END THIS MISERY!
Now, perhaps I’m going a little overboard here. There are a lot of fine folks who adore this tripe piece of crap, but it’s just too much to bear. I’d rather watch a feature length montage of Dogville, St. Elmo’s Fire, and Superdad combined. Am I exaggerating a little? I can honestly say that I am not exaggerating one little bit.
The 5 Movies that Should Steal the Previous 5’s TV Timeslots
If the controller master leaves to get seconds, this is your chance. Grab the remote, change the channel from one of the migraine movies above, and if others insist on a Christmas or holiday theme, here are your best bets.
I mentioned this film in another piece. You can find that here. This is basically the original version of You’ve Got Mail. The thing is, this is the rare exception when the original and the remake are worth watching. Unlike others that shall remain nameless. The kids might not really understand the plot, what with all the letter (what is that?) writing and all, but it still makes for a perfect background while performing the pagan rituals we all enjoy.
We’ve spoken so much of the failing economy and of Wall Street’s malicious misuse of our hard-earned dollars. Put on a fire, drink some fine cocoa, and watch Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy stick it to the Duke brothers in this comedic classic.
This is one of the few “entangled stories” movie that I enjoy. I mentioned this earlier as well. It has a peculiar combination of slap-stick, ironic comedy, wit, and drama. The acting is well placed and the writing is off the charts. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, yet there’s still a good message worth telling.
If you enjoy unending sadness and strife on Christmas, then’s there’s none better than this suicide-inducing drama. Now, if this isn’t on television, it is okay to substitute it with marathons of either Survivorman or, my favorite, Man vs. Wild. I mean, if you can’t see the heart-wrenching saga of a man lost out sea and his relationship with a volleyball, the next best thing is watching Bear Grylls snarf down all sorts of really gnarly stuff. In all seriousness though, don’t watch Man vs. Wild within an hour of eating.
It just doesn’t get any better than Die Hard for Christmas. We already know how awesome Alan Rickman is as Hans Gruber, and three sequels tells of Bruce Willis’ appeal as John McClain, but it’s always easy to forget that this movie holds two titles simultaneously: Best Action Movie Ever and Best Christmas Movie Ever. I suppose it could be the Best Christmas Action Movie Ever, but then we’d have to decide what the worst one is. And in doing that, we’d have to acknowledge the existence of Reindeer Games, and, c’mon, this is supposed to be a season of good cheer. Sorry Affleck.
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