Every year seems to feature a good crop of biopics. Films that tell the biography of the life of some personage in history. Sometimes, these are people of actual importance, such as Harvey Milk in Gus van Sant’s recent (excellent) biopic, Milk. More often, they tell the life story of some singer or artist or someone of, truth be told, little consequence to history. (For example, there will be a biopic of the life of Notorious B.I.G. being released pretty soon. Really?)

So, in order to serve the public interest, I’ve decided to come up with seven people who really, truly deserve a great biopic in the vein of Milk, Gandhi, The Agony and the Ecstasy, etc. Not only that, I’m saving producers some time and trouble by casting the main parts and picking out the best director for each.

Nikolai Tesla

David Bowie as Nikolai Tesla. Courtesy Warner Brothers.

Frankly, let’s be honest. Who’s surprised that Hollywood hasn’t made a biopic about Nikolai Tesla? I know I am. His is a classic Hollywood story. He was a genius–he invented radio, Alternating Current, polyphase power distribution, and a bunch of other things. He was locked in a virtual death match with Thomas Edison over how to distribute power in the United States. It wasn’t until years after his death that he was even recognized for his genius and properly recognized for his invention of radio. On top of all that, for all his genius the man has some serious eccentricities. For one, he was celibate, completely. No love interest in this movie. He was a synesthete. He also had hallucinations about past events in his life–perfect for a film. Really, the man deserves a big ol’ Hollywood blockbuster.

Film Suggestions:

Directing a biography of Tesla is an easy call–Christopher Nolan’s the man. He already handled Tesla in The Prestige, and he should just go ahead and call on David Bowie to reprise the role. Bowie was brilliant as Tesla. Add in Robert Duvall as Tesla’s patron, J.P. Morgan and Jeffrey Donovan to play the role of Tesla’s rival Thomas Edison, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a movie.

John Wilkes

Unfortunately, when folks hear the name “John Wilkes”, they almost immediately fill in the name “Booth” afterwards. But don’t worry–a great movie can change that. John Wilkes was one of the most famous Parliamentarians of late 18th century England. He was also a journalist and a tireless fighter for liberty and reform. He also led the group in Parliament which advocating allowing the American colonies to maintain their independence. In addition, he was also a notorious libertine and womanizer–this despite the fact that he universally regarded as ugly. His success with women was attributed to his enormous charm and wit. Clearly, this is a man who deserves a movie.

Film Suggestions:

I think that Lasse Hallstrom would be an ideal choice to direct a film based on Wilkes’ life. He’s handled a lot of movies with the necessary joie de vive before, most notably the woefully underrated Casanova, starring the late Heath Ledger. And the man to embody John Wilkes should be none other than the brilliant actor Andy Serkis, who I think is more than ready to break out into a leading role that doesn’t involve him being a CGI creature. Jeremy Irons would also be a great choice for the film, playing Wilkes’ Parliamentary rival the Earl of Sandwich. (Their rivalry has something to do with a practical joke Wilkes played involving a goat.)

Fredrick Douglass

Here’s another person whose lack of biopic is nothing short of astonishing. Born a slave who taught himself to read, Douglass later escaped to the north where he joined the abolitionist movement and tirelessly fought for the abolition of slavery. He was an advisor to presidents, an international lecturer, a candidate for vice-president and other amazing things besides. Plus, he wrote an excellent, heartbreaking autobiography which can be the primary source for the screenplay.

Film Suggestions:

The best candidates I can think of to direct a Douglass film are the Hughes brothers, who’s combination of gritty realism and pulp sensibility would prevent this from becoming a by the numbers inspirational biopic. My suggestion for the starring role? Omar Epps, who shines every week on House, M.D. and is more than capable of handling such a complex role.

John Brown

Sticking with the same time period, how on Earth is there no John Brown biopic, either? Here’s an abolitionist who put his money where his mouth was and went after slavers and led his own slave revolt. A man who’s character has been maligned by historians sympathetic to the South who portray him as “unhinged”? A man who might have made the Civil War inevitable? You got me. There’s a terrific story here that deserves to be told.

Film Suggestion:

It ought to star and be directed by Mel Gibson. ‘Nuff said.

Zheng He

Here’s another name that might not be familiar to a lot of people. At the age of 11, the Muslim Chinese Ma Sanbao was captured and made a eunuch. He later became part of the Imperial Court and helped to overthrown the Yuan Dynastry and lead the transition to the Ming Dynasty. For his efforts, he was honored with the command of a great Naval force which left China and traveled to many distant lands to establish trade. While there are some crackpot theorists who suggest that Zheng He discovered America, this doesn’t appear to be true. Still, the travels he did make were cool enough and would provide a really interesting look into world history in the early 15th century.

Film Suggestion:

I think that Peter Weir would be an ideal person to direct this film, having already directed several naval epics, it would be good to see him show a Chinese navy, instead. And the star of the show? Chow Yun-Fat. No question.