In between naps on the gym equipment the other day, I decided to actually try to exercise. Already knowing that running, biking, rowing and stairclimbing were too much work, I tried the elliptical machine. This machine had a unique advantage in that I could not get it to work. My legs went backwards, sideways and occasionally twisted in knots, but at no point did they go in ellipses like they are supposed to.

At some point I looked down at my machine and asked it a very sensible question, “How the fuck is this supposed to work?”

It dawned on me a while later that I had said something potentially offensive. I looked around, but no one seemed to be in hearing range. That got me to thinking about why some words are considered foul, and others aren’t.

George Carlin (who I hope is raising hell in the afterlife) pointed out that since we express our thoughts with words, controlling the words we use is one way of controlling the way we think. For example, ‘fuck’ (which also happens to be the single most versatile word in the English language) refers to sexual intercourse. But ‘fuck’ is one of the worst words you can say! If the word for sex is foul, that leads us to associate sex with foulness.

On the other hand, when someone fires a rocket that misses the terrorist training camp and ends up in a school, the word for that is ‘collateral damage’. Never mind the limbs strewn through the rubble or the wailing of the parents; we will use a word that sounds like something that would dent your car.

Whole towns are massacred, and it’s called ‘ethnic cleansing’ or at worst ‘genocide’.

Whenever a new ethnic group arrives in America, they try to replace the amazing variety of racial slurs with something positive. People understand that language affects the way we think. If you think of someone as a ‘reindeer jockey’ you are much less likely to treat them with respect than if you think of them as Norwegian- American.

[Note: I have nothing against Norwegians. I just picked a group that can take a joke. Does it say something positive or negative about our culture that I feel the need to write this disclaimer?]

The word ‘cunt’ is particularly odd. There are plenty of slang terms for the male genitals, but none of them are near as offensive. Why is the word for the female genitals, which are the source of both great pleasure and every human being on the fucking planet one of the most offensive in our language? Why aren’t dick, cock, prick, schlong or johnson nearly as offensive?

Words for sex (fuck, cunt, blowjob, cocksucker, tits, cum, ass, pussy, dick . . . yes, I did list those just for fun) are considered vulgar and offensive. On the other hand, words dealing with violence (kill, murder, rape, collateral damage, ethnic cleansing) are acceptable, almost banal. In our culture, sex is still considered forbidden, but violence is as American as apple pie.

If you want evidence of this, just turn on the television. There is almost constant violence (which I do enjoy, but that’s not the point) and there’s nary a titty to be seen. In fact, you can’t even say ‘tits’ on TV (unless it’s Comedy Central) and you certainly can’t show them (remember the ludicrous outcry over Janet Jackson- what did people think was under there? Fruit?). Seeing a breast might distort the minds of our youth. Watching someone get shot is much better for them.

Not all languages have the same approach to cursing. In Spain, the equivalent words for ‘fuck’ and ‘cunt’ are still dirty, but they are nowhere near as offensive as they are in the US (from what I understand- the teaching of cursing is notoriously poor in language classes. This is particularly strange because knowing what words will start a fight and which ones sound childish and silly is a critical language skill). European television has nudity in commercials, and their societies have not fallen apart (they even have affordable health care).

It is tempting to lay the blame for the linguistic disconnect on the modern Puritans/Republicans. After all, there are people who fully support invading a variety of countries and killing as many people as possible while promoting abstinence-only education and abhorring any mention of human sexuality. But the problem goes deeper than that. There are many people, regardless of politics who claim to think openly about sex, yet still enforce the prohibition on certain types of sexual language. Parents teach their children not to say certain words because they’re ‘dirty’. The association between sexual language and dirtiness leads to the association between sexuality itself and dirtiness, and these associations start at an early age.

The impact of the words is also reversed. When someone says ‘fuck’ or ‘cunt’, many people are shocked and offended, even though the things referred to are good. When someone says ‘murder’ or ‘sectarian violence’, no one is shocked or offended, even though the things referred to are horrific.

So the next time you’re considering a euphemism for ‘doing it’, just come right out and say ‘We were fucking and I liked it.’ The next time you see a news story talking about ‘civilian casualties’, shout out the names of the dead.

Doing it the other way around is just fucked up.