In an earlier article this week, Alex Knapp argues that suffering is not the universal human condition. Although he uses mostly sound logic and solid reasoning, he’s not exactly right. Perhaps that’s just my opinion, and it’s not because of all his philosophicky langauge either. No, my opinion comes from the fundamental flaw of his explanation, which is the fact that he didn’t take the following movies properly into consideration when contemplating suffering.
At what point did a giant, intelligent, alien duck become a good idea? Seriously. Of the thousands of solid scripts floating around, how did studio executives get excited about THIS one? Perhaps the same who green-lit Air Bud, and Air Bud II: Golden Receiver, or Surf Ninjas. Yikes. Bad call George Lucas.
Why? Why? Sometimes, when an actor thinks he has something to prove, some great things happen. For instance, when Sylvestor Stallone wanted to prove he could act, he took a huge pay cut for Copland. He was fantastic and the movie is spectacular. On the other hand, when they fail, well, you get either Sean Young’s speculative audition for the role of Catwoman, or you get Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. And it’s not that Sly was poor or that there weren’t some funny moments, but c’mon, the title stops this movie dead in its tracks.
Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course
I was a big fan of Steve Irwin, as we all were. His passion and charisma and love for animals charmed us all to death. But the authenticity of his television programming did not translate at all to the big screen. How dreadful. The worst bit was when he was pouncing on prop crocodiles. Super lame.
Here’s a perfect example of Hollywood taking classic literature and grossly misinterpreting it. Hey, we’ve all read the damn book, we had to for sophomore English class, so stay at least remotely close to the spirit of the text. This was just one in a line of movies for Demi Moore in which she tries to prove that she’s a real actress by tackling a part that is ensnared by sex, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. How did that whole idea get started? Want to make someone believe you are serious about the craft, get naked. Yeah, makes a lot of sense. If you’re Maria Bello though, they give you a Golden Globe nomination.
Halle Berry does not have the presence or ability to carry a movie. Catwoman is not a compelling enough character to centralize a story around either. So the two together have failure written all over it. Now, she’s hot, sure. But that fact alone barely gets you past minute five.
Jennifer Garner, unlike Halle Berry, is a strong enough actor to carry a film. 13 going on 30 is a lovely vehicle for her and a rather charming romantic comedy. She was super hot as Elektra in the so-so Daredevil movie, and she is super hot in the spin-off as well. Like in Catwoman, though, that fact alone makes for a rather weak basis for a film. That’s the best they could come up with?
In a way, I’m sort of glad that this movie was such a disaster. For, had it not been for this universal nightmare, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight may never have existed, or at least, they may have never existed in their current form. Which would be worse.
This was the first and only movie that I ever snuck into. It’s rated R and I was not 17 at the time it came out. I purchased tickets to The Man Who Knew Too Little starring Bill Murray (which I later regretted not seeing) and slipped in to see a cool sci-fi film from classic source material. It didn’t work out as I hoped. If you haven’t seen this, don’t bother, I’m going to tell you how it ends: they kill the giant brain-bug that’s running the war against the humans. That’s right, I said “brain-bug.”
I would mention so many more bad, sappy love stories (such as Love Story) if my wife didn’t read my articles every week. Yet here’s one that was ok’ed by my better half. Don’t remember this movie? There’s a reason for that…it’s not worth remembering. Richard Gere and Winona Rider star in this film about a woman dying from some terminal disease. Except, the producers try the super-empathy route by trying to kill the audience with the movie. Thankfully, it doesn’t work, because the audience turns off the DVD well before the end.
Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell starring in a shoot ‘em up caper action thriller, what could go wrong? I don’t know exactly. It just doesn’t work. Not at all. Really, it’s lacking a point. Of any kind.
I hear that original script for this was actually quite good. We shouldn’t be surprised. Most original scripts are, otherwise, they don’t get to the point where they are to be made. But all sorts of things can go wrong. Like Bennifer. There’s just no way around it. Both Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are good actors. Seperately. And in largely supporting roles. Ben more so than Jen, she has a greater presence, but less acting sense. Gigli, like 3000 Miles to Graceland just doesn’t work. There’s some funny bits, but seeing them on screen together, and in a time especially when we couldn’t not see them everywhere, it was just too much.
John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forrest Whitaker…this should be awesome. No. No. All this movie was missing was Tom Cruise and Will Smith and the whole Scientology gang. Yeah, sorry, I went there. But I can’t help it. You can’t star in a movie that is based on the story written by your cult religious leader and not draw that attention. This is especially so if the movie is torturous to sit through. And the extra bad make-up! Give me something to work with here!
I sincerely hope that Alex takes my previous arguments well into consideration and maybe we’ll see a story retraction in the future. For, the mere existence of these films proves emphatically that suffering is universal for all humanity. When films such as these STOP getting produced, then will I believe that suffering is not also inevitable.
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