Some teams carefully watch college football game film to see how their prospect performs on the field. Other teams rely on the combine. Still others just throw darts at a board when deciding who to pick. Here’s what each team did in the first two rounds (nobody cares about rounds 3-7- I’ve never heard of any of those guys, and neither have you).
1. Detroit Lions
The Lions gave Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford enough money to bail out GM, and he’s never completed an NFL pass. There is a line of thinking in the NFL that you must take a quarterback first overall, despite the fact that there have been as many busts (Tim Couch, David Carr, Alex Smith, and soon JaMarcus Russell) as gems (Peyton Manning, Troy Aikman, maybe Carson Palmer). The Lions decided $72 million was pretty good for a 50-50 shot.
The Lions also picked up a tight end, Brandon Pettigrew, out of Oklahoma St, and a safety in round 2. They will still suck for a long time.
2. St. Louis Rams
The Rams picked an offensive tackle first, which is important but not very interesting. They took Ohio State linebacker James Laurinaitis second, and he enjoys running around the field and ripping off people’s heads, which is a good attribute in a football game (though bad in a grocery store).
3. Kansas City Chiefs
Given the opportunity to select the explosive talents of Curry or Crabtree, the Chiefs instead went with defensive end Tyson Jackson from LSU. This is so they can switch from a 4-3 to a 3-4, and make sure everyone plays in a position they’re as uncomfortable with as possible.
They traded their 2nd round pick to New England for Matt Cassel.
4. Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks needed a receiver or a quarterback, so they took linebacker Aaron Curry from Wake Forest. In their defense, Curry was the best rated prospect in the draft, and will probably be a solid linebacker for a number of years.
In the second round, they took a guard, and nobody cares about guards.
5. New York Jets (from the Browns)
The Jets traded two picks and three players to move up and select Mark Sanchez of USC. They did this because they are on the verge of a playoff run. Since quarterbacks take 2-3 years to develop, Sanchez should be ready about the time the Jets enter rebuilding mode.
6. Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals took a tackle and linebacker Rey Maualuga (see St Louis Rams).
7. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders do not watch college football. They took a blazingly fast receiver, Darrius Heyward-Bey from Maryland, despite the fact that he cannot actually catch a football. In the second round, the Raiders displayed their dart-throwing approach to the draft by picking a safety that Mel Kiper had rated as the 73rd safety (not player–safety) available.
If you are a Raiders fan, you should probably find something else to do in the fall, at least until Al Davis finally keels over.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars
Took a tackle. Twice.
9. Green Bay Packers
Took a big defensive tackle, BJ Raji from BC, and linebacker Clay Matthews of USC. Now all they need is for Brett Favre to come back, and they’ll be set.
10. San Francisco 49ers
Michael Crabtree, a ridiculous receiver who beat Texas all by himself last year, fell all the way to #10. There are going to be 9 teams (or at least 6 or 7) who feel very silly about letting this wide receiver get past them. They gave their 2nd round pick to New England, just like everyone else.
11. Buffalo Bills
The Bills had a bunch of picks. They took Aaron Maybin, a defensive end out of Penn State and a center in the first round. They picked up a corner and a guard in the second.
No matter how promising things are for the Bills, they will always find a way to break their fans’ hearts, usually just in time for a winter that features 82 feet of snow on the ground for 6 months.
12. Denver Broncos
The Broncos have a horrible defense, so they selected a running back, Knowshon Moreno from Georgia. They did pick a defensive end, Robert Ayers from Tennessee, also in the first round. In the second round they added a cornerback, a safety and a tight end.
The Broncos managed to draft a good quarterback in Jay Cutler. Having completed this difficult feat, the new coaching staff wisely drove their quaterback away and replaced him with Kyle Orton. Some things can’t be fixed by the draft.
13. Washington Redskins
The Redskins drafted Brian Orakpo out of Texas. Orakpo alternated between a terrifying pass rusher who would come flying off the edge so fast he would induce involuntary urination in the quarterback, and a guy who just stood around.
The Skins gave their 2nd round pick to Miami instead of New England, showing that they are charting a bold new course for the future.
14. New Orleans Saints
The Saints picked Malcolm Jenkins, defensive back from Ohio State, and pretty much no one else.
15. Houston Texans
They picked two linebackers, Brian Cushing from USC and Connor Barwin from Cincinnati. Every time I hear ‘Barwin’, I think someone is mispronouncing ‘Baldwin’. Connor probably got so tired of everyone thinking his name was Baldwin that he decided to become huge and mean and terrifying, which had the added benefit of inducing an NFL contract.
16. San Diego Chargers
The Chargers picked Larry English, who I’ve never heard of. Apparently he’s an outside linebacker from Northern Illinois, but that could just be something somebody made up on the internet and everybody reprinted it because they had never heard of Larry English either.
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs traded up- up mind you, not down or away- to draft Kansas State QB Josh Freeman. This shows that the Bucs, like the Raiders, did not watch college football. Freeman can throw the ball really really far, but he almost never throws it near anybody. He didn’t even show flashes of brilliance. He was bad, with flashes of terrible. But, he can throw the ball really really far, so he gets drafted and makes millions of dollars.
18. Broncos again (see above)
19. Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles realized that they already had Desean Jackson, a small, lightning-fast receiver who is dangerous in the return game. So, they drafted Jeremy Maclin, a small, lightning-fast receiver who is dangerous in the return game. Maybe the Eagles will let teams score more often, since they now have two guys that can return kicks.
They grabbed Lesean McCoy of Pitt in round two. Solid pick.
20. Detroit again (see above)
21. Cleveland Browns
The Browns dropped out of the 5 spot. They picked a center in the first round, then two receivers, Brian Robiskie of Ohio State and Mohammed Massaquoi from Georgia, and defensive end David Veikune from Hawaii in the second. Drafting wide receiverss probably signals that they are done screwing around with Braylon Edwards, who would be spectacular if he could ever catch the ball.
22. Minnesota Vikings
They picked Percy Harvin, the electric receiver from Florida. Harvin has had some troubles with weed (not dandelions) and it remains to be seen if he will stay clean. The Vikings drafted enormous tackle Phil Loadholt of Oklahoma, who is so huge I’m actually going to mention him by name.
23. Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens drafted a tackle and a defensive end, Paul Kruger from Utah. You know they’ll be good because the Ravens picked them.
24. Atlanta Falcons
They drafted Peria Jerry, a defensive tackle out of Ole Miss. They picked safety William Moore in the 2nd round, even though he was from Missouri. No one should ever draft players from mizzou.
25. Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins picked two CBs, Vontae Davis of Illinois in the first round, and Sean Smith of Utah in the second. They also drafted West Virginia QB Pat White, who had tremendous success running the option in college. Look for him in the Wildcat formation.
26. Green Bay Packers again (see above)
27. Indianapolis Colts
The Colts took running back Donald Brown from UConn in the first, and big defensive tackle Fili Moala from USC in the second. I’ve never seen him, but I know he’s big just by looking at the name Fili Moala. You don’t get to be named that if you’re 5’6 and 135 pounds.
28. Buffalo Bills again (see above)
29. New York Giants
The Giants could have traded for Braylon Edwards or Anquan Boldin but they decided they were too tested and experienced, so they decided to try Hakeem Nicks from North Carolina. Without Plaxico Burress, the Giants need a go-to receiver, and drafting a rookie is the surest way to find one. Right?
They got a linebacker, Clint Sintim from Virginia, and a tackle in the second round.
30. Tennessee Titans
The Titans got wide receiver Kenny Britt from Rutgers in the 1st, and defensive tackle Sen’Derrick Marks from Auburn in the 2nd.
31. Arizona Cardinals
Who ever heard of the Cardinals picking this late? It must be the result of a trade or something. They picked Beanie Wells from Ohio State in the 1st, and outside linebacker Cody Brown from UConn in the second.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers
The Steelers violated a fundamental tenet of the draft by drafting Evander Hood, defensive tackle from Missouri. When will teams learn? Drafting players from mizzou is just flat wrong.
Several teams decided not to pick in the first round:
Carolina Panthers
No first rounder, but they got defensive end Everette Brown of Florida State and safety Sherrod Martin of Troy State in the second.
Chicago Bears
They did not have a 1st or 2nd round pick, but they got Jay Cutler, so there.
Dallas Cowboys
They did not pick in the first 2 rounds. They figured that they made such a deep playoff run last year, they didn’t need any new talent. Wait. Dallas didn’t go to the playoffs last year. Hm. Maybe some high draft choices would have helped after all.
New England Patriots
No 1st rounders, but they picked like 20 people in the second. They’ll all turn out to be good, so why worry about who they are now?
I’m sure all of my teams undermined their future for the next ten years. How did yours do?
I feel pretty good about the Patriots draft, , although I would have liked them to spend one of those second rounders on an outside linebacker to replace Vrabel.
As for the Chiefs, the Jackson was a horrible pick, but I think the KC guys will like Cassel. He is a good quarterback, and he’ll have fun throwing to Bowe.
The Patriots always pick smart, which is why they’ve been consistently good (that and Tom Brady). The Pats understand that a 2nd round pick has close to the same chance of developing as a 1st rounder, and comes at a much lower price.