As I travel, I am often inclined to comment on something as being ‘uncivilized.’ We all know the major hallmarks of a civilized country: free speech, a free press, freedom of religion, a fair judiciary, equal rights, etc. Those are fundamental, and more or less in place in wealthy democracies around the globe. But there are a whole other class of smaller, less noticeable factors that can make a place feel civilized. These little things can go a long way to making an area comfortable, tolerable or downright obnoxious.

Image Credit: Christopher Chan

Here are Jon’s 20 Lesser Rules of Civilization:

In a Civilized Country:

1. You can walk down the street in broad daylight drinking a beer
2. Restrooms are always free of charge
3. Bars are smoking or non, depending on the owner’s decision (since it’s his bar)
4. Marijuana is legal
5. No one is in prison for drugs
6. Gambling is legal
7. Prostitution is legal
8. Speed limits are enforced in school and work zones . . .
9. . . . And ignored on the open highway
10. There is no censorship
11. If someone breaks into your house, you can shoot ‘em
12. If a government official comes into your house without a warrant, you can shoot
him too (or at least ask him to leave)
13. There is no torture
14. There is no rape in prison
15. There are no public surveillance cameras
16. Six weeks vacation is considered a minimum
17. Water is free in restaurants (it falls from the sky, after all)
18. You wipe with toilet paper and flush it (this is an issue in a lot of places)
19. There are visible street signs written in the Latin alphabet (this one)
20. There are wide open spaces

Some of these rules are probably more important than others, and some could be omitted, but I wanted an even 20 so I could assign the scores in my head.

Let’s look at how different countries rank.

The United States

1) You can’t walk down the street drinking a beer in most places (we’ll score Las Vegas separately). 2) Restrooms are always free, and this is important. 3-7) Regulation of smoking, drugs and other vices is rampant. I’ll give one point for number 9, since I’ve had good luck driving cross country without being pulled over (I stay within shouting distance of the speed limit).

We talk a lot about not having censorship, but you still can’t say ‘fuck’ on TV or radio. I’ll give ½ point for 10.

Many states have strong laws protecting people in their homes. As I understand in Kansas, if you warn someone and they break through your door, you’re welcome to shoot them as soon as they cross the threshold. I’ll give a point for 11 and 12.

13-14) We were doing ok on torture until recently, and prisons are still notorious for their welcoming procedures.

15) Public surveillance is becoming more common, but it’s not as bad as Britain, for example. I’ll give ½ point.

16) Two weeks vacation is nowhere near enough. When are you supposed to write your novel?

17-20) Water is always free, and free refills on soda are an added bonus. It’s nice to never go thirsty. Plumbing is good, we have signs, and there is still space.

Total civilization score: 9/20, or 45%

Las Vegas:

Sin City picks up 4 extra points for having gambling, hookers (not in the City proper, but in the county), alcohol and smoking, and an extra ½ point since there was a recent ballot initiative to legalize small amounts of marijuana.

Total civilization score: 13.5/20 or 67.5%

Europe:

Europe is tricky to score because different countries have different laws. I’ll try to go by what I understand the rules to be in general, and assign half points when needed.

1) In most parts of Europe, you can walk right down the street drinking a beer. I was nervous the first time I tried this, expecting to be immediately arrested, but no one seemed to care. One point.

2) On the other hand, Europe has the truly obnoxious habit of charging people to use the restroom. I’m more than happy to go outside behind a tree (and many people do). I’m willing to use a special facility as a sacrifice to the public good, but I don’t see why I should have to pay for it when I’m really doing everyone else a favor.

This pisses me off enough that I’m subtracting a point!

3) Bars are generally smoking, but you can find non. There are anti-smoking laws, but they are appropriately ignored. 4) Marijuana is famously legal in Holland, but the penalties for use in most places (and the attitude) seems milder than in the US. I’ll give ½ point. 5) There are still people in prison for drugs, but not as many, so another ½ point. I read that Portugal is experimenting with legalization, which helps Europe earn a point for 4 and 5.

6) Gambling is legal in some places, and you can even find a decent poker game in Prague and Britain. 7) Prostitution is notoriously legal in Amsterdam’s Red Light District, but there are brothels tucked in around Europe, and their civilization hasn’t collapsed yet.

8-9) There are no speed limits on the Autobahn, and driver licensing is strict, so people have some idea what they’re doing. The speed limits in other parts are similar or slightly higher than those in the US. Two points here.

10) On the other hand, there’s plenty of censorship (you’re not allowed to deny the Holocaust). 11-12) Gun control can be strict. 13) Eastern Europe was where the US took prisoners to do nasty things before the waterboarding scandal broke, so no points there. 14) I’m not sure how common prison violence is, but I’m not giving a point until I know for sure (and I hope I never do). 15) Big Brother is alive and well, especially in Britain.

16) Europe does very well, especially around the Mediterranean, of taking vacations. Entire cities in Spain shut down in August as the entire population heads for the beach. Even the Germans get 4-6 weeks off.

17) Most European restaurants charge for water, and there are no free refills. I’ve spent many a thirsty afternoon because I didn’t want to fork over 2 euros for a .5 liter bottle of water.

18) The custom of wiping with one’s hand is largely confined to Africa and parts of Asia, but there are places in Eastern Europe and Greece where the pipes are too small, and toilet paper must be deposited in a special bin in the bathroom. This is reasonably disgusting. No points.

19) The street signs are usually written in our alphabet, but they can be hard to find. I’ll give ½ point.

20) There are some nature reserves, but open spaces are far harder to come by in Europe than the US. There is some beautiful natural scenery, so I can’t be too stingy: ½ point.

Total civilization score: 8/20 or 40%

Europe and the US are very close, and yes, I made sure to assign points in such a way that the US won.

So far, no one has come close to Vegas.

East Asia

I haven’t been in Korea long enough to really evaluate how it, along with China and Japan, would rank. I will say that water tends to be free in restaurants, and not only are public restrooms free, but there are little nature pictures hanging above the urinals to make things more pleasant. That’s worth 2 points right there.

Ancient Greece and Rome

1-7) Drinking wine was common, and the restrooms were public. They didn’t really have drug addictions (as far as I know) or tobacco, so 3-5 don’t really count. Gambling was everywhere, and prostitution was common enough that legend has it there was a secret passage from the library in Ephesus across the street to the brothel.

8-9) Speed limits don’t really apply to people who didn’t have machines (although the Roman inventor Hero of Alexandria did develop an early version of the steam engine, but the invention was not put to wide use).

10) The Greek philosophers debated scandalous ideas, and even questioned the existence of the Gods. On the other hand, many Roman Emperors were not shy about clamping down on criticism. I’ll give ½ point.

11-12) A Roman citizen and landowner was allowed to defend his home, but they did not have the same protections regarding warrants. When the Emperor’s soldiers showed up, you went. One point for 11.

13-14) Plenty of torture and sexual deviance. No points there.

15) Didn’t have cameras, so this one doesn’t apply.

16) Slaves and lower class workers got little to now vacation at all, except for festivals like Saturnalia. 17) I don’t know if water was free, but given the Greek rules of hospitality, I doubt a guest would be charged for something so plentiful.

18) The sewage system in ancient Greece and Rome was quite ingenious. The toilets were public, which seems strange to us today, but it didn’t seem to bother the ancients. The user sat on an open latrine. Below them, the used bathwater from the public baths ran down a slight incline to carry away the waste. In front of the user was another, smaller stream of water. The user carried a sponge on the end of a stick, which he would wash in the water before and after using it to wipe.

So it is that in parts of the world, they have worse plumbing now than they did 2000 years ago.

19) I doubt there were street signs, but they would have been in Latin or Greek. 20) There were wide open spaces, but many of them were occupied by barbarians, who could do much to ruin a picnic.

Total civilization score: 7/15, or 46.7% (since drugs and speed limits don’t apply)

In conclusion, we can now demonstrate that while the United States is slightly more civilized than Europe (but only because I penalized them a point for charging for restrooms), neither one is as civilized as ancient Greece or Rome.

The most important conclusion we can draw from this careful, completely serious scientific study is one that many gamblers have known for years: Las Vegas is the most civilized place on Earth.