This is the fourth entry in Heretical Ideas’ Conspiracy Week, in which our authors attempt to make up the most outlandish conspiracy theories they can think of. You can read the first entry here. The second entry is here. The third entry is here. For background on conspiracies, read this article.

Barack Obama - Alien

After perusing my colleague Marcus Williamson’s research into extraterrestrial domination of medieval Europe, I took upon myself the great task of trying to determine what, exactly, happened to the aliens. Where did they go? I was surprised to find where my research took me.

The discovery came as Heretical Ideas fact-checkers concluded that Obama’s Hawaiian birth records were unverifiable since Hawaii destroyed the paper records in favor of easy-to-fabricate electronic data.  The distant yet developed nature of the Hawaiian islands made it an attractive base of operations for the alien scouting force and former European Royalty, which we will refer to herein as “The Greys”.

The Greys used Hawaii as a base of operations following the attack on Pearl Harbor.  In the chaos following America’s entrance into World War II, the introduction of more western-looking foreigners went largely unnoticed.  The first major plot by the Greys to soften our resistance to their impending take over was Hawaii-raised film and television star Bill Bixby.  With his creation My Favorite Martian, America began to forget the image of the violent alien invader from H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds and focus on a kinder, gentler vision of the space alien invader.  His work on the Incredible Hulk pushed that success to the limit by making the idea of a powerful and violent creature living among us undetected so blase that we’d almost not react to it in real life.

Other Hawaii-linked alien suspects include Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, General Eric Shinseki, and music star Danger Mouse, all of whom are in powerful position in both the military and pop culture. But perhaps no operation has been more successful than Operation Brass Ring, which installed Barack Obama into the White House.

In 2001, Grey operatives convinced the Hawaii State Government to destroy its paper records of Hawaiian births in favor of an electronic system.  While destroying the paper records wasn’t even remotely necessary to the adoption of an electronic system, it did provide the Greys with fantastic cover.  They no longer needed to forge birth certificates, just hack electronic records.  This freed up a lot of resources for Operation Brass Ring, their biggest achievement to date.

By creating a diversion regarding the actual birthplace of President Obama, suspicion that he was an alien life form disappeared in favor of the breadcrumbs that the Greys laid to lead us to believe he was born somewhere else on this planet.  In all the fighting about which country Obama was born in, the general agreement that he was born somewhere on this planet kept those who suspected the truth in check.  The diversion worked better than anyone could have expected.  The cover was so successful that Obama could even joke about being an alien in public without anyone catching on.

Some may question how the alien conspiracy manages to do all this with few to no resources.  After all, cut off from their foreign supply chain, they are left with no way to get resources from their superiors.  Those who suspect this underestimate the resourcefulness of these creatures.  Heretical Ideas as learned of suspected alien colonies popping up in other areas, including southern Africa, where the alien creatures are selling their services as witchdoctors. 

Now we all know that witchdoctors and alternative medicines of that nature are just complicated versions of the placebo effect, but with their ability to remotely influence the emotions of others, just as Barack Obama did on a grand scale in the US presidential election, they can induce the placebo effect with mind-blowing success.  In fact, these operations have generated so much money for the Greys that local activists who aren’t fooled by the alien conspiracy are starting to fight back.  Helen Ukpabio is one of the foremost anti-alien activists in Africa.  And while she dubs herself a hunter of “witches” to avoid direct conflict with the Greys, her operations have had a significant impact on Grey activity on the continent.

Even with the work of anti-alien activists like Ukpabio, there is still much to be done if we are to free ourselves of the Grey Menace.  Scientists must take up the call to develop Grey detection equipment and anti-Grey weaponry.  If you meet with resistance, ask yourselves whose interests your opposers truly represent.  Only once we are properly armed against this threat, and we have separated the human wheat from the grey chaff can we take the Battle for Earth out into the open and directly confront our would-be enslavers.  God willing, we will prevail.