This is the second entry in Heretical Ideas’ Conspiracy Week, in which our authors attempt to make up the most outlandish conspiracy theories they can think of. You can read the first entry here. For background on conspiracies, read this article.

A protester exhibits his dissatisfaction with all government.
Image Credit: Chuck Coker

The Tea Party Protests began as a small, grassroots group of people who were dissatisfied with the current rate of government spending.  Their ideas were ideological and strongly linked to their approach to life in general.  This ideological stance fed the basis of small, similar type protests over the first two months of 2009.  Probably nothing more would happen with the series of protests as they were short on participation and small in number.

It wasn’t until February 19th, 2009 that the Tea Parties actually got their name.  Rick Santelli, broadcasting for CNBC, echoed the sentiment of Tea Party protesters and claimed that a Chicago “Tea Party” would happen for the outrage at the federal government.  Since that time, the Tea Parties have been increasingly successful in drawing huge numbers and spreading to every major and non-major city across America.

But who is Rick Santelli?  And why was he really interested in these Tea Parties?  The truth of these questions have laid well hidden until now.  Through perilous research, I have been able to find the missing links between Rick Santelli, Tea Party protests, and the fate of the nation.

Rick Santelli worked on Wall Street in the late 1980s as a vice president for uber-firm Drexel Burnham Lambert.  Drexel is most notably remembered for the junk bond market and huge mergers and acquisitions programs.  It has long since fallen from grace due to numerous SEC violations.  However, various Drexel executives remain in positions of power and influence today.

During the late 1980s, Drexel billionaire executive Michael Milken and Texas oil billionaire T. Boone Pickens together successfully bought several oil and energy companies around the country.  Now, this was seemingly just a corporate and oil strategy for greater profits and power.  Seemingly. It would be years before the truth emerged and Pickens finally revealed his true colors.

In 2008, Pickens unveiled The Pickens Plan for energy independence with heavy reliance on renewable energy.  Now, many thought that this was strange given that Pickens is a rich, white, Republican.  But others are not so sure. 

The Washington Post observed:

But perhaps the strangest role the 80-year-old, Oklahoma-born Pickens has fashioned for himself is his current one: the billionaire speculator as energy wise man, an oil-and-gas magnate as champion of wind power, and a lifetime Republican who has become a fellow traveler among environmentally minded Democrats …

To be sure, Pickens and Sierra Club Executive Director Carl Pope have made for strange bedfellows indeed.  Carl Pope has even written his approval of Pickens on his Sierra Club Blog.

So, what’s really going on?  Well, it’s obvious that Santelli is still connected to his old boss at Drexel, Michael Milken. Now Milken’s friend and fellow corporate raider, Pickens, who is now in league with the oldest environmentalist group in the United States, The Sierra Club.  But what does the Sierra Club have to do with the Tea Party protests?

Consider this:  Republicans and Independents own the majority of the nation’s guns.  In fact, they own 75% of all of the household guns in America.

Tea Party Protests are designed to attract the right-leaning crowd, and they do, in large numbers.  Keep in mind that this is being done at a time that the Department of Homeland Security is increasingly concerned with right-wing extremism.

[T]ake a look at a new report issued by the Department of Homeland Security that says right-wing extremism is on the rise throughout the country.

In the report (a full copy of which is below), officials warn that right-wing extremists could use the bad state of the U.S. economy and the election of the country’s first black president to recruit new members to their cause.

Consider the migration of the Tea Party protests.  On April 15th, there were hundreds of protests in around 800 cities with hundreds of thousands of participants.  When you consider that most of these people own weapons, are pissed off at the government, and willing to do something about it, the answer becomes clears: revolution.

That’s right, the Tea Party protests are not an ideological grassroots movement, but the largest military mobilization ever to occur on American soil.  With placement in nearly every city and town across the United States, they are poised, if unwittingly, to strike for their master - The Sierra Club.

“Why would the Sierra Club be interested in a new American Revolution?” you ask.

Simple. It’s because the U.S. Department of Defense is the single largest polluter in the world.  Global warming and ecological destruction has been a fact of life ever since the industrial revolution in the late 19th century.  The United States government has been a willing participant to this destruction the entire time.

Eisenhower’s Military Industrial Complex showed its blatant disregard for the environment when he signed into law the Federal Aid Highway Act of 1956.  This legislation can be said to be single-handedly responsible for most of our carbon emissions for the last 60 years.

So you can see, the federal government is at the top of the Sierra Club’s hitlist.  And what better way to take it down then to start a revolution. A revolution that simply couldn’t be started by the left, because they have no guns and are easily distracted by hash brownies, hacky sack and Phish concerts.

Let’s go back to Pickens. Why would he be interested in participating in a Leftist overthrow of the government? Easy. It is all about dollar signs.

Meanwhile, Pickens’ more-than-$4-billion hedge fund, BP Capital, is invested in a variety of natural gas companies. He also sits on the board of Clean Energy Fuels Corp., North America’s largest provider of vehicular natural gas…he and his business partners are investing an estimated $12 billion to build the world’s largest wind farm in Texas. That facility, needless to say, would play a pivotal role in meeting the nation’s newfound demand for wind power.

So you can see, the Sierra Club gets its renewable energy and civil war against the largest polluter ever, and Pickens gets to line his pockets with the profits in a new world order where conventional fossil fuels are outlawed.

But we can stop this before it starts.  Don’t play to the evil Leftist and Industrial scheme; don’t be duped into outrage on federal spending; and don’t spread the seed of secession.  You’ll only be playing into their hands. 

If you love America, stop the Tea Party protests.